soon breaks the seige

i see you there trying your best to obscure,
your hulking frame still enshrouds my mind

yet, `tis i who pierce the veil this time
your own night terrors, will soon reveal

fear and tremble, dragon
your storybook enchantments
draw quick their close

i will smite you down with my raging pen
my hounds have sniffed you out

i am no longer your enchanted
princess, fumbling with stolen
jewels in your dank lair

you no longer have refuge in my cave
this land, my noble birthright

i'm coming for you next, thieving one
i will take my careful aim

and you?
you shall hear my crack of doom

--bruised orange

tinder

this fire breathes
loud inside my head
the clang and crash
of my combustion

trying to douse the flames,

my bucket `o water
has merely served
to excite the element

groaning breath clamors,

its loud vapor screams
my rapid oxidation

waiting beast
inside my head,
you'll have your
meat soon enough

and i, seared upon
your spit,
once again.

--bruised orange

love notes to a Friend

Dear One, please protect
this servant
during this time in her room

and her precious family, help them
to feel
her deep love for them,
and how much more,
Yours.

help them to know this servant's trials,

in this
dark
night
of her
soul

she calls out to Thee
to heal this
affliction

that has
so gripped
her soul

and in the letting go,
her peace will return

each time
she gives over
to You

Dear Friend,
help her in this
struggle
to remain firm.

and return her quickly
to Your most precious
Room

these feet, not yet worthy

to tread
your dust.

she walks on, in
anticipation
of Your Grace.

O Restoring One!
this lowly servant's
blessing she seeks
from Your Court.

do Thou cover
this face
with Your dust

and robe her
with that
humility

that she may serve as
that hollow reed.
her pith, having been
blown clean through

that she may sing out
Your joyous melodies
to any listening ear.

that she may become

Your joyous
instrument

guide her steps
in Your path

O Best Lover!

i'm given over.

you've taken
my heart,
once again.

--bruised orange

color returns (in shades of pink)

My neighbor has advised more roughage. "Healthy bowels
will keep illness away."
My therapist says group will do it. "Share your stories with
those who relate."
My doctor gave me a script for Valium. "Call me when these
run out."
My muse sings urgently into my ear. " Keep writing, we'll
get there, no doubt!"
My friend tells me more prayer is the ticket. "Talk with God
and you won't be afraid."

But my sister (the French psychoanalyst) tells me simply,
"You need to get laid!"

now i've tried the vegetables, they are tasty to eat
and the group i found, well it's just down the street
the prescription's been filled, and easily (twice!)
my pen keeps me working long into the night
and prayer brings me answers, my truths comes to light


but this last advice has left me in stitches
you see, its been such a very long time
would someone direct my feet, and,
please tell me, where do i get some of that?

(and now she dissolves, into fits of hysterical laughter)

--bruised orange

O muse!

break this
break this
break this
wall before my eyes

this wall
that halts my pen

drive me forth
into battle
with these
night terrors!

take this
take this
take this
pen from my hand
and write my truth!

--bruised orange

self-examination (wrestling the demons)

avoiding examination of myself has become an easy task.
plugged in all day long, locked away in the ROOM

here some music,
there some chat
and then there
is always
the

p
o
e
t
r
y

dark monsters lurk in this closet.

i hide
under the cover
of this night
and

t
r
e
m
b
l
e

too afraid to turn on the light

--bruised orange

standard bearer

(she calls)

oh come forth, brave warrior!
i know you are there.
this friend calls on you now,
come, gallant knight

(he answers)

oh noble lady!
you have
courage untapped

await the breaking dawn,
when your standard will wave
proud and regal,
fearless in the face
of foes intimately known
and enemies uncounted (as yet)

you know not yet
what victories
ensue

--bruised orange

good to meet you

that withered body,
twisted by time
sits still, subjected to
whim or care of
those around you.

you are spoon fed
platitudes,
condescension
served alongside your dinner.

eyes, with a diminished view,
your voice locked inside,
unable to sing those songs
of yesteryear.

hope dies a slower death
than these bodies, than this mind.

recognition reaches across
that enshrouded mist.

that tender moment,
your hand seeking mine

you are still an effective beauty.

yes, i see you

--bruised orange

flirtations

words left unspoken, unwritten
tell much of the heart of the poet.

peeking between lines,
truths hidden,
too shy to dance onto the page

words wrapped in mystery,
a subtle nuance,
a grand denouement

now, stepping lightly,
here, a racing tango,
there, a sliding waltz.


words dance around
your heart,
and flirt
with my pen.

--bruised orange

itinerary

would that i could start anew
i may have planned things differently
but oh! for the scenery

some roads best shared
with friends so dear
the joyful discoveries made
and even avalanches survived

my scrapbook filled
with lovely memories
to share with one and all

and those kind strangers
who have watered my horses
when they were thirsting
and unable to go on
during that great drought

yes, they've kept me alive
during these hard times

and now I come to this fork unplanned,
this wild territory uncharted

what lies ahead,
how can I know?
I forge on.

this leg of my journey,
i must travel alone

I'll meet you
`round the bend.

--bruised orange

death sentence

oh words, come forth
do not be shy

your fear of
being misconstrued
has clamped your voice
tightly shut.

words left unspoken
scream silently to a deaf
audience and
are not compelled
to leap and prance

--bruised orange

sing out Oh Joy!

i just felt like sharing
this over abundance of feeling
my heart fills to bursting
and looks forward
with joyful expectation
what each day may bring

whether my sadness and grief
or excitement shared with a friend

coming back to life
is heady stuff, and i haven't words
enough to express
this gratitude of my soul

its not even been a month
since i've begun writing
and i feel that i have traveled
through space and time

an eternity, in the blink
of an eye.

this joy, this soul's refurbishment
has been closer than my life's vein
all this time

moving forward, through the door
one foot in front of the other
never knowing where i was going
what future lay in store

and still i do not know
and it does not matter in the least anymore!

it is the journey, this process unfolding
this living of questions
this being with myself
that has brought me peace

oh won't you please try it?
it is so easy to do!
just take that one step, and you'll find
yourself, too.

peace to all of you
come Joy, oh come

--bruised orange

inside out

A voyeuristic view through the windows of happy friends
is not nourishment enough for this poet's heart
and does not sate this dreamer's hungry soul

before this spirit journeys on
i'd like to know what it is like
to be loved from the inside out

those delicate strings,
that haunting duet,
of love not bound by fear

i'd like to know love
from the inside out
and not from the outside in

that stuff of dreams,
(yet real i've seen)
that one true union of souls

it's honeyed nectar taste
would be sweet upon my lips
and those delicate strings,
tender music to my soul.

oh muse, you take me too far
i must leave off
before i break this tender heart
and having been turned inside out
i fly completely,
apart.


--bruised orange

myriad ways to your heart

and how will He reach you?
in a myriad ways
in a myriad, mysterious ways
He will find His way to you
He will seek you out

your longing heart
His Joy to bring
this Love upon you
this overflowing Joy
this tender Mercy
this warm Embrace

this faithful Friend
Who would not give up
not for one moment
while you run and hide
while you backslide
while you kick and scream
and beat at your chest

O Patient One
O Loving Friend
O my best Beloved
O Quickener!
O Thou Abiding One!

i sing out now
and shout from rooftops
this Joy, this tremendous
humbling Joy.

--bruised orange

enkindled

having nothing left in me to say
today, i've drained the cup
i've been filled up

wide wonderment
fills my heart
this joyful,
rekindled heart

i must rest
this fevered burning
ignited fire,
has left me gasping
upon Your shore

oh Love, oh these Words
this drop of Your Ocean
Your music stirs my soul
and i have nothing left
in me to say.

i've been filled
to overflowing.

--bruised orange

ripples (supplication)

mysterious, her detachment bringing me back to God
His warp and weft, that intricate design so entwined
i fall to my face and grieve, i fall to my face in awe
dumbstruck by Your plans, Your well crafted plans

this sacrifice of her detachment, this blessing on my heart
this love rekindled, this joy reawakened.
i fall to my knees and pray, i fall to my knees and cry
dumbstruck by Your plans, Your heart rendering plans

what sacrifice may i give in return, for this servant's offering
this servant's fiery test, that has brought me back home
oh the intricately woven pattern! i fall to my face and cry out,
i fall to the floor and cover my face in the dust at Your doorstep.

oh Lord, give me grace, give me grace, give me fortitude, robe me in humility
for that servant's heart, that pure servant's heart
that shining mirrored heart, this sad longing heart.

to not waste the taste, once sipped, from this cup of detachment
her sacrifice, my blessing. this is my prayer today.

and this love grows.
that detachment,
her sacrifice,
quickens my soul.

i fall to the floor and cover my face in the dust at Your doorstep.
i fall to the floor
i cover my face
i pray

--bruised orange

these words (my new love)

words, once written,
once spoken
cannot be undone

choose carefully
each step we take

for hearts off balance
can easily be swayed
by these words,
these powerful words,

and words, wind their way
into our hearts

they can smite us down
or make us whole again
all with the stroke of the pen

ah,so much mightier
than the sword!
these words.

--bruised orange

emergence

when even words had been stripped away
and i'd been left with nothing but my thoughts
that became a desperate scream
inside my head.
you had not killed me, even then

my hibernation encapsulated me,
that chrysalis shielding me from your storm

and my words, locked away inside
waiting for the day to emerge
to transform my sad form
with wings wet, slowly unfolding
painful growing

and now,
here i am

and i fly

--bruised orange

this ship

circumnavigating my life
i forgot to read my compass

sailed through the eye of the storm,
riggings now battered and broken
i've repairs to make, `tis true

(she's a sturdy vessel, aye
and sounder for the journey)

--bruised orange

sitting by the window

I've been waiting my entire life.
waiting for him to start loving me
waiting for things to calm down
waiting for reason to find him
waiting for answers that have never come
waiting for life to get better
waiting for him to catch up with me

oh to have grabbed life by the horns
wrestled the devil out of my heart

forbearance taken to extremes
has caused me to lose years of my life
sometimes i just need to scream
at my twelfth century story book values

my knight in shining armor did not come
the dragon kept me locked away
and i've slept, waiting for that kiss
to wake me, but it never has

to hell with fairy tale endings
i'm putting on this shiny armor
taking up that glistening sword
i'm rescuing myself now
i'm the only one who ever could.

--bruised orange

small pleasures

color returns to my world
in bits and pieces
in fits and starts

i've been asleep for so long
soul's stirring, i catch my breath.

a flower's delicate scent
the way wind moves through a tree
the blue of your eyes
my son's smile

--bruised orange

downpour

you are spring showers
upon my parched earth.

i soak you in
and drink you up

your nourishment giving me
something i've craved

i soak you in
and drink you up

i soak you in
and drink you up.

--bruised orange

this one is about you (soul speak)

having given me your love and acceptance
having given me so much of your time
having listened to my rantings and ravings
and comforting me when i am down

for being my sounding board
for being that hollow reed
for being my validation, my mirror,

down all the roads we have traveled
and the journeys we have not yet taken
the deep pondering moments we've both shared

i want you to know my gratitude,
my soul wanted me to say,
from that deepest, most sincere place in my heart
with all the tenderness i can bring forth

you are my true friend.

thank you
for grabbing my soul
for meeting my soul
for finding my soul

--bruised orange

not ready (this isn't about you)

sorry for me?
you feel sorry for me?
how could you,
why would you!

i had thought you my friend
perhaps you've misunderstood
and your intentions were good
and the words just came out wrong
--yes that must be it.

but those tears squeezed from your eyes
so hesitant to appear
tell a different story
one i'm not ready to hear (i'm too tender)

please don't use me as your sad (i am NOT)
excuse to flush out your own feelings
they deserve their own place of honor
you've got your own work to do

i feel used to be taken as your handkerchief
you've violated my process
taken my new found power
(its such a delicate thing)

and yes, this is the reason
i've been in hiding
(i tried to explain)
my distortions of those
who say they care
(i'm so raw).

here slips a bit of his twisted reality
that taste of mistrust,
that paranoid viewing, yes
i've caught a touch of his flu.

a new thing for me
i've been always so trusting
so ready to forgive--
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt

its why i'm in hiding
this strange paranoia
it must be the ptsd talking
i'm sure

yes, maybe i read too much into
your comment, too much
into your tears, forgive me
(i'm working on it)
it felt so contrived though,
you've left me confused.

perhaps you have difficulty expressing
yourself. maybe you thought it would help.

or perhaps you think taking my
feelings as your own (you don't own them)
could help me(don't use me)
its sympathy (don't use me) i don't need it
don't use me like that.

i'm crawling back into my cave now
i'm clearly not ready to come out
more nursing of wounds,
more trying to heal,
yes clearly i'm not ready for you yet.

--bruised orange

headwaters unimagined

O Words! You are my therapy,
sung quietly, my whispered prayer,
shouted loudly, for all to hear.

Shame's weight lifting from my breast,
pain unraveling, gingerly I step,
as these words caress my soul.

When journey first began
I had not imagined
what waterfalls I'd find,
this inundation upon my plain.

Old friend, you've waited patiently
for me to give you voice
soul's longing now embraced,
no longer my sad disgrace.

Now what is this spring bubbling forth?
O Joy! i hadn't dreamed I'd find you here
waiting all this time to be discovered,
to dance with me once more.

O Words! look where you have brought me!
my gratitude overwhelms
to see at last a home for me,
designed with love and care.

O Words, you've brought me back to life
what tongue can voice my thanks?
for such a precious gift as this,
what a bounty upon my banks.

O Words! What joy! My soul's embrace!
my spirit soaring free
you've led me to my worthiness,
you've brought me back to me.

--bruised orange

pioneering

deep and wide
this river i must float
(though fording i'd prefer)

swirling eddies
mark its dangerous
course

and how long to reach
the distant bank?

traversing these sharp rocks
and slippery stones,
i must tread carefully.

and having arrived,
will i find
my wagon train's
moved on
and their trail grown cold?

--bruised orange

apologies

please i don't mean to offend
but some things just have to be said
locked inside secrets grow
to monstrous proportions
(believe me on this, i know)

i could have kept it to myself
written it down in some secret place
hidden carefully, in some dark space
kept it alive, fed on my sad disgrace

but i chose instead to set the secrets free
harsh as they may be, sad as they may be
that world is still a part of me

and now that its been said and done
i do feel somehow lighter
but hoping i haven't ruined your supper

i didn't mean to offend

--bruised orange

fruitful dreaming

by possession of my reality
i'll plow my new existence

( the tree most heavily pruned,i'm told,
brings forth sweetest fruits of the season)

laying dormant for quite some time
but feeling springtime's urging

leaflets springing from my branches
your words, my fertilizer

my soul will give me gentle rains
the Sun, its glorious power

it won't be long now before i feel
tight buds begin to flower

then by wind and butterfly,
by pollen shared and spread

words burst forth, oh fruitful
dreams! these heavily laden branches!

--bruised orange

he said, but(starting to unravel)

the last time he shoved me to a wall
he wanted to know where his lighter was
(or so he said) i had offered to help him
i thought i could help him find it
i was still trying to help him

but you really weren't mad about the lighter at all in fact i later found it where i had told you you had left it and you said i looked there and it wasn't there, (then he said where did you hide it you bitch)

he said i was always sabotaging him
making him come to me making him
ask me for every little thing.
he said i was controlling
he said it gave me kicks,
you manipulative bitch

he said i'm tired of begging for sex
he said you never offer it
i always have to take it,
you frigid fat ass bitch

but the truth is when i offered it you never wanted it it just doesn't do it for you unless you take it which probably explains why i was always waking up to find you there, already taking.

he says i'm tired of doing
all the work around here
you just sit around doing nothing
you lazy bitch

but you spit on the wall in the bathroom and break doors and chairs and glasses
and i clean it up i clean it all up the children's tears the broken promises the bills unpaid the lies discovered the pets gone missing for years and years i've cleaned it up, done my best to make it look presentable

he says i'm tired of working so hard
to earn all the money and you won't
even wake your lazy ass up and
make me breakfast or cook me dinner

but for years i did and you would tell me you didn't have time to eat it or you felt sick and couldn't or it wasn't what you wanted (i'm going to taco bell.)

he says i'm tired of earning
all the money and not getting
any of it for myself.

but you buy beer and pot, God knows what, and we have six kids, do you know how much daycare is? and whenever i get a job you come home late and so i'm late or you start a fight before my shift and i can't focus on what i'm supposed to be doing. and i just can't function like that, i just couldn't function

he says you never want to do
anything anymore come for a drive
let's go out and have some fun.

but every time we get in a car its an opportunity for you to terrorize me some little thing will always set you off and you fly down the road taking risks with our lives screaming and yelling at your captive audience knowing i can't walk away there is nowhere to hide yeah that was some fun, i'll tell you.

he says i've given you all my good years and
i'm all used up and you've broken me, and
i don't have any options left you user,
you manipulative bitch.

but you cut me down every time, never let me share my thoughts, were highly offended at the slightest diversion from your view of reality, your twisted reality, made me sit through your vile explosions of hateful spewing your paranoid viewing, and all along you knew exactly what you were doing, you pinned me down, sat on me once for an hour maybe longer i can't remember, choked me, threw me, kicked me and your words they were constantly working to deceive me your lies lies lies lies how easily you lied. lied to me to your family to your children your coworkers the neighbors telemarketers my friends your friends my family even God.

he says you never listen to me you
don't respect me have turned
the children against me
i'm not a man in my own home.

but i never even got a word in edgewise you discounted every thought i tried to share. and i remember you telling me you'd smash my skull if you thought you could get away with it, but i just wasn't worth the jail time and you hoped wild dogs would drag my body down the street while the children watched. while the children watched, as the children listened, you said that. and what kind of man would do that? look at the big man you are. what a good father you are.

and not once in those long long years
while i patiently tried to help you grow,
while i stood by in helpless surrender and
watched my dreams of love and family
die before my eyes,
while i took it in and held it secret,
made the best of it i could, tried to
hold it all together, tried, did all that
i could think to do

not once, did you let slip from your lips a single sincere apology, not even one word of remorse. and i can't figure out why i stayed so long, why did i stay so long?

--bruised orange

waking

listen
in the still night silence
of my heart's longing
of my eyes' searching
of my soul's knowing

what breath your tenderness bestows
to my life's being
for my love's keening
from my spirit's seeking

--bruised orange

soul child

gentle soul child
neglected and
long forgotten

let me show you
where the water
falls
and meadow
flowers

it's not far now
over the bend
of green
fairy moss
beckoning

sit here with me
i'll wrap tender arms
around you

remember love
and innocence

recall certitude
and acceptance.


--bruised orange

humor me

where the hell
has my sense of humor gone?
i seem to have misplaced it

has anyone seen it laying about?
i hadn't meant to treat it so casually

oh humor, i do love you so
please come back and i promise
i won't neglect you again dear friend
oh humor me, my joyous muse!

--bruised orange

self-talk

oh stop your whining
silly girl
there is much to be enjoyed

life is there for the taking
you only need to try

get out of your head
silly girl
go and enjoy the sunshine

i'm growing weary
of you being so teary

now get out of bed
and put your clothes on

--bruised orange

grateful

you've knocked me down again
taken the wind from my sails

little boy in a man's body
devil wearing human flesh

i fly away to that other place
where dreams and hope live

my secret land, my refuge
the place you've never been

i've offered you many an invitation
you turned me down each time

you're destined to live a lonely life
thank God i got out when i did

--bruised orange

bereft

at first they seemed to seek my soul
searching, longing,
like i was a dish of ice cream
to be eaten

then i glimpsed, oh, what was that?
a disconnect
a smile, broad and inviting
but those eyes would not complete the picture

next i noticed
frightful vision
black emptiness
soul sucking

now, empty unenthused
looking back at me
i see through to the other side
and find
the truth of you.

there is nothing there

--bruised orange

until tomorrow, pain

my therapist wants me to tell her
all about my pain
she tells me this will help me
begin to heal again

she gave me an assignment
told me to write all about it
just put it all down in writing
what that hurt feels like.

but i can't wrap my head around it
it's much too large a task
i can't even find a place to begin
unraveling it's sticky mass

i will begin to think on something
a memory starts to form
but skitters away
before my eyes
my pain must be feeling shy.

i keep trying to peg something down
sit on it a while and ponder
but those memories remain elusive
like some irritating gnat, i can't find.

and what if it does begin to unravel?
what happens then, i ask you?
will it strangle and choke,
bind and defile me,
will it break me as it did before?

maybe instead of writing
about my hurt and how it feels
i should slather it with marmalade
and cram it down his throat!

but no, that just won't do.
i guess instead i'll sleep on it,
and try again tomorrow.

--bruised orange

malignant growth

i've been stuffed inside for so long
my feelings discounted,
my words wasted.
i gave up long ago
trying to be understood.

i listened quite intently
trying to make sense of you
as your words blasted hate and loathing
and blamed me for all that you do.

those words swirl about me now
a tight ball of confusion in my head
like some tumor bound inside my skull

that small piece over there in the corner?
that is me, what is left of me
i'm bringing it out into the light now.
gonna nurture it, help it grow.

i'll be the someone i once was
the one you never knew,
will never know.

--bruised orange

Poetry is Dangerous

gold tipped words
swirl about my head,
demanding to be let out.

while the laundry piles,
the dust gathers,
the pantry grows depleted.

but how can i choose these mundane tasks
when pen and paper beckon?

poetry is dangerous, i tell you.

come night my task
is to close my eyes,
to rest my tired body.

but how can i choose sleep
when anger scorches my weary breast?
when words, bearing witness to my pain
cry out Oh!
one more, one more!

--bruised orange

fickle

slapped up raw for the world to see
my story no longer concealed
the mask's come off, oh authentic self!
what freedom in being revealed!

but now that i lay naked here
exposed for all to see
i find your interests waning
in the complexities of me.

would that you had come inside
we'd have gotten well acquainted
but never mind i see your face remains--

heavily painted.

--bruised orange

broken record(repairs in progress)

Sweet children,
i am so easily irritated,
i am so quickly drained.

i see my foul negativity
blanch your tender hearts,
but too late, the deed is done.

i'm working on it.

i want you to understand,
but what words
can help you see?

(tell them, tell them)
the Voice whispers
(show them, show them)
yes, the path is clear.

but how can i explain?

his bitterness
has become
a way of life for me.
I seem to have stepped in
now that he has stepped out.

and how can i show you
a better way
when you are
stuck like me?

not now, not now
i can't
i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

my empty words
and broken promises
will not become my epitaph.

i'm working on it.

--bruised orange

coarctation

I outgrew you
long ago.
Like some
well-loved
sweater
from
childhood,
Like some
corset
clinging
to my
frame,

You bound
and warped.
You suffocated
and bit.

Like some
bent tree,
i grew
stunted by
your rocky
soil.

Until the sweater
finally tore,
until the clasps rusted,
the corset fell to the floor,
until the tree was
transplanted
to a distant shore.

i've retired you.
i'm starting to breath.
my blossoms
unfurl.

--bruised orange

absence(keep knocking)

sometimes i'm not home
when you knock at my door
i may be in the shower,
i may be at the grocery,
i may be at work.

or i may be hiding

i can't say not now,
i can't say i'm busy
it wouldn't be true
to tell you
i don't want your company

i can't deal with niceties
i can't take social graces
don't ask me how i've been

what i need is honesty
what i need is a slap in the face
what i need is your soul
grabbing my soul
finding my soul
meeting my soul

shall i put on the coffee?

--bruised orange

beseeching

this morning i woke
to find You
trying to reach me
yet again

stubbornly
i continue
to ignore
Your call

what madness
drives the heart
to fear the intimacy
of so dear a Friend?

and what words
will bring me
rushing back
to Your loving
embrace?

--bruised orange

one promise

little child
from crooked home
you've grown bent
but not for lack of trying

the sun did its best
but shadows still
formed the net
that held you back

out from cover
now reach up!
my hand is here
i will not slip.

--bruised orange

dry season

i am a river
flowing along

steady and constant
i've always been

where is the rain
that could change me?

give me turbulence,
waterfalls,
rapids,
flood my banks

this drought
has gone on
far too long.

--bruised orange

at least

someone asked me today
'how do you feel?'

how do i feel?
i do not feel

but at least now,
i have started to cry

and that is something,
at least,
to hold on to

--bruised orange

to those i have let down

for my friendships lost
no time can erase
the hurt i have caused
but if it helps you to reconcile
i was dead, in a way,
he did kill me
in the worst way
a person can be killed

for the pain
and the confusion
that i may have caused
know it wasn't meant
i couldn't help it
it was all i could do
to survive

i loved you then
through the years of my silence
even though you didn't hear it
i said it every day

and if you find a way
to forgive me
i will be here
waiting

--bruised orange

festering sore

once i thought,
my pain was imagined
i tucked it away
in a soft place

it festered and grew
it raged and it shouted
it got my attention

i'm listening now

--bruised orange

Notice

you took music from me
you took song
you took away laughter
and prayer
and the feeling that i belong

you took away joy
you stole peace
you took reading
you took my strength

you took my dreams
you robbed my soul
you took it all
you took it all


listen up
mother fucker
i'm taking it back

--bruised orange

a real sister

i am a real sister

i am real

i have loved and been through hell to be loved

was it worth it, you ask?

i haven't decided.

when sleep won't come

here i am again
awake
but so tired
self flagellation
feels so good


i need something
but can't find it
don't know where to look
don't know what it looks like
i keep searching
into the late hours

--bruised orange

as much as i want to

i know all about you now.
you won't ever fool me again.
i know who you are
i know what you are
i know what you did,
what you do.
i know you

as much as i want to
i know you

but you don't know me
you don't know my strength
you don't know my love
you don't know my courage
my pain
you don't know me at all

so go on with your lies
with your games
with your twisting and turning
the truth
find a new mark
this one is now out of your reach.

--bruised orange

What i've lost

You bastard!
you took my life,
took it and ground it into nothing
took my soul,
you tore it apart.
used me up,
spat me out.

you bastard!
you blamed me for it all
told me it was my fault,
took advantage of my love,
of my trust, of my decency.

you bastard!
you lied to me every day!
you sucked out my soul
and blamed me for your pain!

you bastard
you bastard

--bruised orange

the shell

So you want me to tell you
who i want to be.
Is that what you asked?
(that is what i heard).

i want to be smart
(i am smart)
i want to be confident
(was i ever confident?)
i want to trust
(didn't i used to trust?)
i want to be a good mother
(i was once a good mother)

but now i am a shell.
an empty shell.
i can't remember.
i am scared.
i fear everyone.
i have lost my self.

where did i go?

--bruised orange

What it Means to Me

feeling alone, feeling scared,
no reason to, just me with myself.
there you were, right then and there,
you were perfect.

i've been having this happen,
the past couple of weeks.
as crazy as i am now,
don't think i don't notice.

you were right there,
hearing me talk,
listening to me,
you were perfect.

and like the other day,
a friend came to town,
hadn't seen her in a while,
but her timing,
well, it was perfect.

the messages i'm getting,
they don't feel so profound,
until i add them together,
and i hear the sound.

the sound.
i think maybe it is God?
calling me back?
isn't that what you said?
is that even possible?
it's gotten me thinking.

so when i say to you,
you were perfect,
please believe me,
because that is the truth.
perfect timing,
God's instrument.
calling me back,
helping me see,
i'm not alone,
i'm not alone,
i'm not alone.

--bruised orange