a peek through my window

a peek inside my brain
reveals the mess i have become
the ups and downs, mysterious highs,
the crashing diving downs

sometimes i think i may be crazy,
i may have lost my mind
but remember somewhere that those
insane, never ask questions of this kind

so perhaps i am not crazy,
but i surely am a mess.
i start each day and end each day
and barely even get dressed.

i drink coffee for my breakfast
and coffee for dinner too
sometime round about midnight,
i may think of something to chew

my car it sits in disrepair
i haven't the energy to fix
i use a shiny rental car
when i dare go out to mix.

which i don't do much at all these days
my walls, a self imposed prison
i warble away like some caged bird
of my own dismayed invention

you see i get these panic attacks
they come from out of nowhere
whenever i set foot outside
or receive a man's attention

i'm doing my best to just survive
this imprisonment of my soul
i struggle each day to be grounded
fearing i may well explode.

i thought i'd share this bit of me
and my struggle to overcome
a 25 year sentence with a psychopath
has left me well undone.

i thought i'd share this bit of me
whatever i can do to prevent
another soul walking this road
from hell, another sad lament

i've just been handed down
another sentence,
will he never let me be?
my diagnosis now, it reads:
complex-PTSD.

--bruised orange

if you would like more information on c-ptsd, this is a good starting point http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/CPTSD.html