he said, but(starting to unravel)

the last time he shoved me to a wall
he wanted to know where his lighter was
(or so he said) i had offered to help him
i thought i could help him find it
i was still trying to help him

but you really weren't mad about the lighter at all in fact i later found it where i had told you you had left it and you said i looked there and it wasn't there, (then he said where did you hide it you bitch)

he said i was always sabotaging him
making him come to me making him
ask me for every little thing.
he said i was controlling
he said it gave me kicks,
you manipulative bitch

he said i'm tired of begging for sex
he said you never offer it
i always have to take it,
you frigid fat ass bitch

but the truth is when i offered it you never wanted it it just doesn't do it for you unless you take it which probably explains why i was always waking up to find you there, already taking.

he says i'm tired of doing
all the work around here
you just sit around doing nothing
you lazy bitch

but you spit on the wall in the bathroom and break doors and chairs and glasses
and i clean it up i clean it all up the children's tears the broken promises the bills unpaid the lies discovered the pets gone missing for years and years i've cleaned it up, done my best to make it look presentable

he says i'm tired of working so hard
to earn all the money and you won't
even wake your lazy ass up and
make me breakfast or cook me dinner

but for years i did and you would tell me you didn't have time to eat it or you felt sick and couldn't or it wasn't what you wanted (i'm going to taco bell.)

he says i'm tired of earning
all the money and not getting
any of it for myself.

but you buy beer and pot, God knows what, and we have six kids, do you know how much daycare is? and whenever i get a job you come home late and so i'm late or you start a fight before my shift and i can't focus on what i'm supposed to be doing. and i just can't function like that, i just couldn't function

he says you never want to do
anything anymore come for a drive
let's go out and have some fun.

but every time we get in a car its an opportunity for you to terrorize me some little thing will always set you off and you fly down the road taking risks with our lives screaming and yelling at your captive audience knowing i can't walk away there is nowhere to hide yeah that was some fun, i'll tell you.

he says i've given you all my good years and
i'm all used up and you've broken me, and
i don't have any options left you user,
you manipulative bitch.

but you cut me down every time, never let me share my thoughts, were highly offended at the slightest diversion from your view of reality, your twisted reality, made me sit through your vile explosions of hateful spewing your paranoid viewing, and all along you knew exactly what you were doing, you pinned me down, sat on me once for an hour maybe longer i can't remember, choked me, threw me, kicked me and your words they were constantly working to deceive me your lies lies lies lies how easily you lied. lied to me to your family to your children your coworkers the neighbors telemarketers my friends your friends my family even God.

he says you never listen to me you
don't respect me have turned
the children against me
i'm not a man in my own home.

but i never even got a word in edgewise you discounted every thought i tried to share. and i remember you telling me you'd smash my skull if you thought you could get away with it, but i just wasn't worth the jail time and you hoped wild dogs would drag my body down the street while the children watched. while the children watched, as the children listened, you said that. and what kind of man would do that? look at the big man you are. what a good father you are.

and not once in those long long years
while i patiently tried to help you grow,
while i stood by in helpless surrender and
watched my dreams of love and family
die before my eyes,
while i took it in and held it secret,
made the best of it i could, tried to
hold it all together, tried, did all that
i could think to do

not once, did you let slip from your lips a single sincere apology, not even one word of remorse. and i can't figure out why i stayed so long, why did i stay so long?

--bruised orange